(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
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(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said “pretend i’m your pet dinosaur” so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
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(509): Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
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(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming “i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!”